Sex
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| —Typical Aetolian Sex |
The second most common pastime in Aetolia, the first being hysterical issuing. Typically involves a penis and a vagina, though tentacles are becoming increasingly popular. And feet.
Contents |
How To Have Sex (NOT SAFE FOR WORK)
Sex, which also goes by such terms as cybersex and MUDsex, consists of four different, distinct stages, all of which have a definite gray area between them. In order to better understand the processes of Aetolian courtship, a list of rules is laid out here for you.
The standard pattern for Aetolian sex is as follows - the four stages are clearly illustrated here.
- Get a room: "Ingram closes the door to the north. / Ingram locks the north door." --Elene and Ingram's 'Extramarital Affair'
- This step is highly optional.
- Kissing/foreplay/clothing removal: "Whelp Okaru grins and squeezes your breast, the other hand moving to pull away your cloak and bodice gently." --'Catcock', by Okaru and Teine
- This step is also highly optional.
- Sex: "Elene Arcan's frame shivers beneath Ingram's soft touch. Behind her, her tail shifts in a sudden jerk, moving to curl about Ingram's knees resting in her back. Gasping softly now, perhaps in anticipation or a slow sense of creeping want, she murmurs heatedly, "Please, Ingram.. Impale me with your length. I beg of you to enter me." --Elene and Ingram's 'Extramarital Affair'
- This step can be abbreviated.
- Orgasms that take nearly as long as the sex itself: "And your body convulses. You thrash about within the confinement of your chains, then suddenly all goes still. Within your mind everything is empty. Then a ball of fire consumes you." --Nekalia's 'Sex Monologues'
- This step is not optional.
The hard (geddit?) and fast rules that relate to Aetolian sex are listed below:
- Anatomy is not important. Ever. As illustrated in this quote: "(Tyro) ****** says, "Gasps a big as you begin to enter, the width from the first entrance causing a slight bit of pain. Hands on your back they begin to clench and grab your back, tighter and tighter as each inch enters. Her insides constricting and loosening, growing to fit, but perhaps not quite wide enough, her heat wraps about. Once all 14 inches have entered her, her chest heaves up and down against you, a slight 'pop' feeling encurring within her, followed once more by another pant. Once adjusted she motions for you to continue with a smile on her face."
- The more noise you're making, the better it is. If you're a woman, you are always screaming. No matter what. Scream when you orgasm, scream whenever he touches you, scream and shudder the first time he touches you, and scream when you lose your virginity. Optionally, you can also beg for him to make you scream. It is a recipe for win. Males, however, should not scream - they are far better suited by bestial grunts, Cro-Magnon levels of articulation and swearing, and hamhanded attempts to talk dirty to their partner. However, since their partners are screaming so loudly to begin with, it's likely that neither side can really hear one another anyway.
- The faster you're moving, the better. Slow, sensual sex should only be undertaken by trained professionals - if you're a newbie, you need to move with hard, fast frusts. It makes women scream louder.
- Don't worry about premature ejaculation. Orgasms are always simultaneous. Always.
- Finally, there are no consequences to having sex. That's right, absolutely none. There are no STDs, you cannot get pregnant unless you want to, and no matter what sort of perverse sexual deviations you undertake, no part of your body will be warped, injured, or otherwise mutilated beyond immediate repair; a healing process which, conveniently, has occurred by the next time you want to unf.
- In most cases, you miraculously turn into a human while having sex. This is because people fail at biology forever.
- Sex almost always equals instant love between the two individuals concerned, even if they only ever met five minutes ago. Because clearly, you need a soulmate to have sex that good - even though all sex in Aetolia is that good.
- Always type one-handed. Otherwise there's no point.
Now go out and be a man!
Examples of Men
The effect of sex on the Aetolian community
A prime source of lulz and Emo, surpassed only in its ability to create actual feelings in its participants by relentless peekay. It's happened to you too. Don't lie. Everybody unfs.
See also
http://mudprawns.pbwiki.com. An archive of eye-burning MUDsex logs. Definitely NSFW.
 is part of a series on Aetolian jargon | |||||||||
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